Finding Mutuality
My Journey from Burnout to Joy
I can have a hard time maintaining community in a way that is sustainable. I can be quick to give of myself, quick to burnout, and then quick to isolate. I’ve repeated the cycle of overextending, burning out, and isolation so many times. As a millennial, the culture I grew up in – both inside and outside of the church – didn’t give me the best tools to build genuine connections. I don’t know how many sermons I’ve heard with the basic premise being “you get what you put in”. If you want to not feel lonely, join a small group, join a committee, volunteer, and serve. In some ways, there is truth in this. You can’t build community and never invest in others. It is helpful to put yourself out there, initiate with other people, and serve those around you.
In essence, in church, I was handed a “prosperity gospel” for relationships. If you feel relationally fulfilled, it’s because you’ve tried hard enough to build connections and God blessed you. If you feel lonely, it’s because God won’t bless you because of your lack of effort. You aren’t trying hard enough. When I’m feeling like I have good relationships it’s because of what I’ve done to maintain them. When I’m feeling disconnected, it’s because of something I’m failing to do. This type of thinking led me to devote myself to church programs and activities. This wasn’t bad to do and it did gain some genuine relationships but this thinking often led to me to burnout. I gave more and more of myself in order to get the connections and care that I desperately wanted and needed. All my striving led me to not only feeling burnout but feeling bitter and resentful towards those who I deemed as not trying hard enough. In my bitterness, it was easy to pull back completely from people and isolate myself, doubling the inner loneliness I felt.
On the other hand, outside of church, I was handed self-care as my main tool for building community. Instead of being told I need to do more for others in order to have the genuine connection I want, I’m told I need to do less for others. I need to put my own oxygen mask on first so that I can help others. I need to make sure everything in my inner life is in harmony before I take on caring for someone else. If I have good enough boundaries, then I will never feel hurt or feel burnout. In a way, this outlook acted as a balm for the burnout I often felt. It was important to think about and consider my needs and wants. Slowing down can be healthy and leaves me with more space to care for others. But, I’ve come to see that self-care still left everything up to me. Instead of striving after serving others, I needed to be striving after caring for myself. I also found it hard to actually move from caring for myself toward the supposed next step of caring for others. Once I built my safe little cocoon, it was hard to put myself out there with other people. Not having enough space to practice all of my self care became a fear and held me back from reaching out to others.
Ultimately, I just kept getting bogged down in all the things to do. If I just attend more events, serve more, take on more responsibility then I’ll have the support and care that I hope for. Or if I just buy a gym membership, spend more time alone, and buy myself fancy coffees to love myself more then I’ll attract the support and care of others.
Understanding the concept of mutuality has helped me to break the cycle of burnout and isolation. For me, mutuality is the mutual sharing of love, care, commitment, and respect with another person or community. I first came across the idea of mutuality in two books on relationships that I read. The first was Fierce Tenderness by Mary E Hunt - I wrote a two part review here and here. The second was All About Love by bell hooks. I highly recommend both of these books. From my study of those two books and my own experience, here are the three ways that I’ve found that make mutuality possible
Faith and Gratitude
I’ve come to realize that both my mindsets – the christian culture one and the self-help one – operated out of a sense of self-reliance. It was either on me to make the community I wanted or it was on me to protect my peace. There was no room for the Holy Spirit or for grace. Operating out of a sense of self-reliance didn’t allow me to recognize that community is a gift. There is a lot I can’t control when it comes to building relationships. I happened to move to a particular place. I connected with someone I met randomly at a coffee shop. I happened to be offered a particular job. I joined a particular church at a particular time.
As 1 John 4:9 says, “We love because he first loved us.” The love that I have in my life has its source in God’s love for me. Having a mindset of gratitude changed the way that I approached people. When I’m wearing my gratitude glasses, I’m not looking to give in order to get something from others nor am I trying to hide from those God has placed in my life. Understanding God as the source of the community I seek led me to being more prayerful and discerning in how I spend my time and efforts. It takes faith to realize I do not have to be on the hamster wheel of productively building relationships in order to be loved. I can take time for rest and renewal in the faith that God is the one who ultimately holds my relationships. I can also give myself to those around me in the faith that God is the one that holds and protects me.
Push Until It’s Uncomfortable
Another lesson I’ve learned is that mutuality requires pushing myself until it’s uncomfortable. Mutuality is a skill that you practice. As someone who likes playing sports, being okay being uncomfortable is a skill I’ve worked hard to develop. When I was learning to play ice hockey, I had a goal of falling on the ice at least one per game. I wasn’t trying to fall so hard that I injured myself. But, I wanted to intentionally push myself to try a new skill every game. And trying to push my skills meant having to be okay with falling even though it hurt a little. I could never actually get better if I wasn’t okay with the falls and having a goal of falling made me push to see what my body could do.
I’ve found the same to be true when trying to practice mutuality. I have to be okay with taking some falls and even having that as a goal can be healthy. It’s dropping everything to dog sit for that new friend even though it’s a sacrifice. It’s having a hard conversation that might end poorly but could move a relationship to the next level. It’s saying no to attending that event because I need to rest, being okay with the fact that someone might think I’m not a “good Christian.” It’s being my full self with someone not knowing if they will reject me. It’s putting myself in situations that are new and scary not knowing how God will use it. Playing hockey, I learned that I won’t know that I can do a crossover in a game if I don’t let myself try. In the same way, I don’t know the extent of how much I can love and be loved until I push myself a little beyond my limits. And if what I do fails, I tend to the bruise and then try again with the next opportunity God gives me.
Vulnerability
The glue for building mutuality is vulnerability. I’ve learned that if I want to build real relationships I need to be really myself. I need to be open about my feelings, my flaws, and my hopes with the Lord and those I want to grow to trust. Mutuality requires that both parties care for each other. If I just focus on caring for others or I just focus on caring for myself, I’ll never get to experience the joy of being in a mutually loving friendship. I can’t “Jedi mind trick” someone into loving me by doing things for them. I also need other people and I can’t self love my way to wholeness. Vulnerability is hard because it’s opening myself up for hurt. As I’ve tried to grow in building healthy relationships, not everyone I’ve been vulnerable with has been a safe place. But, I wouldn’t have the mutual and safe friendships that I have now if I hadn’t allowed myself to give my heart to the wrong person. I’ve also learned that I need to be vulnerable with the Lord. I’ve been able to better keep in step with the Spirit in my friendship journeys once I allowed myself to truly share my heart with God.
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These are a few of the lessons I’ve learned while trying to find mutuality in my relationships. I don’t think I’ve mastered anything but I am grateful for the ways that I’ve been able to grow beyond my past cycles of burnout and isolation. I’ve been able to experience genuine joy in my friendships and in my community. I hope these reflections are helpful for you as you navigate the deep waters of building and growing mutuality in your life.